Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Let me go

I'm back. home. It's hard to believe.  I still can't right now. It's strange, strange to be back in America. (I got back in america the 10th, but just got home th 16th because i was on the east coast visiting colleges) It was strange to hear english all over again, everywhere, by now i think and speak italian everyday. The culture shock is hitting me way harder than it did when i arrived in Italy in the beginning. After being here only just a week, i notice so many things about America, and how weird America is. Really. I didnt even remember all these "famous american things" that italians pointed out to me, until i got back and realized they are so normal its not a big deal. (long list, sorry right now im too lazy. ill add later) I didnt even remember what america was like. I had let my mind go, and let it wander in Italy. I think It's still there..

By now i'm so used to the italian life, i really dont know what to do with myself here. I feel so lost. I don't feel like i belong here. I have this attatchment to Italy and i want to go back sooo badly right now. And I've only been back for less than 10 days. Being back home has been really hard. I have only been home home for a couple of days now. Things really are like nothing has changed. Life here is still the same, which is why it's difficult for me to place myself back into life here, and carry on like normal after I myself have changed so much. Basically, the family house life routine is the same, people are the same, nothing has changed at all. And here i come back from this big life changing experience, and life continues like normal. That was weird for me. I mean, it's obvious that would happen, but experiencing that was weird.

Being home in these few days, I've been studying. A lot. I have to finish this course if i want to graduate on time(this course isnt taught in italy. but other than english 11 i did all my other courses in italy) and none of my friends are home in town. So it's been lonely. I mean, i am studying, but that also means im home alone a lot, with a lot of time to think. And when i think, my mind is still lost in italy. I really do feel lost. I miss italy so much it hurts, I dont know what to do with myself. I want to be back in ITaly this very moment, I miss my host family, i miss my friends, and everyone from AFS. they were seriously the best friends i could have ever had and were always there for me, and now, we are all back in our homes all around the world, so far apart. I feel alone.

Being back is nice, like i got to eat all the food i missed for a year, i got to see my family and my puppy and drive my car, and see some friends and sleep in my bed. It's like, i needed a bit of my "home stuff" here. but for life, i dont feel like i need to be here forever. I want to be in Italy forever. I think coming back, was like getting all the stuff i needed, but for a week or two vacation. not for permanantly being back. I'm back. I can't deny it. There. I'm back. I'm back... And i have to accept it, and go on with life, normal life. So far away from all my best friends, my loved ones, the best relationships and bonds i've made in one year. All i want to do is cry and go back to Italy to see everyone and live my life there. But i can't hold on forever. I seriously have to go on.

hopefully I'll be able to go back to college/university or something. I'm seriously in love with Italy. I miss the chill culture, i miss hilarious people, i miss eating the food my host mom cooks, i miss the aromas of the food and everything around in italy, i miss walking down the cobblestoned streets, i miss passing by fountains and little spickets of water everywhere, i miss the strange milan fashions, i miss passing by a random roman ruin, i miss the flowery gardens, i miss the small village growing food in your garden thing, i miss my friends, i miss my host family, i miss the beautiful Italy, it's so magical. I just need to let go, and I need Italy to let me go.


But whatever. I'll keep you guys posted on how my transition goes. and IF i am able to go to university in italy. And if anyone italian, or exchanger, or future exchanger has questions, ask me! and ill make other posts with responses :)

sorry this was really wordy, im bad at writing and i didnt know how to explain myself very well..

Thank you to everyone who has followed my blog throughout this year, it made me really happy to see that people were reading my blog, and were at least a little curious about my life or exchange in general. Just, thank you guys, all of you for everything :)

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