Every day is a gloomy day.
Every day is a reminder.
Every day that passes, is another I couldn't take.
It's October now. A year ago I was in Italy. I still can't beleive I used to live there. Before on my last post i commented on how its fun to see everyone and come back to a lot of things i missed. I guess that was true for the first month I was back. Then the culture shock hit me, again. Except it was my own culture. I'm not used to it anymore, I realize that now.
I miss Italy, I want nothing more than to go back, to be with my amazing family there and be with all my friends again. I want to talk to my friends and hangout with them, but they're so far away. Just to even set up a time to skype with them is difficult with the hours and hours of time difference.
The first month back was ok. But further into the transition, I began to realize why I left again. It's harder than I imagined, I thought all my friends would be here to welcome me home, I thought things would go back to normal. In a way i think things did go back to normal, things are normal. It's boring. it's not only that though, but i'm not even friends with the friends i had before i left. Things have changed, people have changed, and I especially have changed, and no one here understands me. It's really difficult to be here, to continue life like nothing happened. If youre lucky and talking to a nice person here, theyre gonna ask you how was Italy? and that is/was the extent of everything. It hurts to not be able to talk about the most important and meaningful experience and year of my life. I cant. Even if i did, no one would get it, but no ones asking, so.. I have to let it be.
It's hard to go through this transition to go to normalness, but without the friends I had before. They were the ones who supported me in exchange, its just I had no idea what i was coming back to.
Life here, and now, it's just normal. And when I say normal, I mean the usual wake up, classes, the occassional football games and yeah sure those are fun. I suppose there are fun moments, but it's never really a good fun memory without my friends. The only other big difference (other than the friend change) is that now i have college applications. It's stressful. That's all. It's like i come back to this place i wanted to leave from, but without the friends i thought i had, and with more work. It's great.
Well, life goes by. It's just really difficult to go through this year, like this. I feel like im alone, and stuck. I can't do anything, I can't breathe. I want to let it out, but I can't. I have all this i want to share but I can't, I have all this that i want to say but I can't. I can't be here right now.