Let me go

I'm back. home. It's hard to believe.  I still can't right now. It's strange, strange to be back in America. (I got back in america the 10th, but just got home th 16th because i was on the east coast visiting colleges) It was strange to hear english all over again, everywhere, by now i think and speak italian everyday. The culture shock is hitting me way harder than it did when i arrived in Italy in the beginning. After being here only just a week, i notice so many things about America, and how weird America is. Really. I didnt even remember all these "famous american things" that italians pointed out to me, until i got back and realized they are so normal its not a big deal. (long list, sorry right now im too lazy. ill add later) I didnt even remember what america was like. I had let my mind go, and let it wander in Italy. I think It's still there..

By now i'm so used to the italian life, i really dont know what to do with myself here. I feel so lost. I don't feel like i belong here. I have this attatchment to Italy and i want to go back sooo badly right now. And I've only been back for less than 10 days. Being back home has been really hard. I have only been home home for a couple of days now. Things really are like nothing has changed. Life here is still the same, which is why it's difficult for me to place myself back into life here, and carry on like normal after I myself have changed so much. Basically, the family house life routine is the same, people are the same, nothing has changed at all. And here i come back from this big life changing experience, and life continues like normal. That was weird for me. I mean, it's obvious that would happen, but experiencing that was weird.

Being home in these few days, I've been studying. A lot. I have to finish this course if i want to graduate on time(this course isnt taught in italy. but other than english 11 i did all my other courses in italy) and none of my friends are home in town. So it's been lonely. I mean, i am studying, but that also means im home alone a lot, with a lot of time to think. And when i think, my mind is still lost in italy. I really do feel lost. I miss italy so much it hurts, I dont know what to do with myself. I want to be back in ITaly this very moment, I miss my host family, i miss my friends, and everyone from AFS. they were seriously the best friends i could have ever had and were always there for me, and now, we are all back in our homes all around the world, so far apart. I feel alone.

Being back is nice, like i got to eat all the food i missed for a year, i got to see my family and my puppy and drive my car, and see some friends and sleep in my bed. It's like, i needed a bit of my "home stuff" here. but for life, i dont feel like i need to be here forever. I want to be in Italy forever. I think coming back, was like getting all the stuff i needed, but for a week or two vacation. not for permanantly being back. I'm back. I can't deny it. There. I'm back. I'm back... And i have to accept it, and go on with life, normal life. So far away from all my best friends, my loved ones, the best relationships and bonds i've made in one year. All i want to do is cry and go back to Italy to see everyone and live my life there. But i can't hold on forever. I seriously have to go on.

hopefully I'll be able to go back to college/university or something. I'm seriously in love with Italy. I miss the chill culture, i miss hilarious people, i miss eating the food my host mom cooks, i miss the aromas of the food and everything around in italy, i miss walking down the cobblestoned streets, i miss passing by fountains and little spickets of water everywhere, i miss the strange milan fashions, i miss passing by a random roman ruin, i miss the flowery gardens, i miss the small village growing food in your garden thing, i miss my friends, i miss my host family, i miss the beautiful Italy, it's so magical. I just need to let go, and I need Italy to let me go.

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But whatever. I'll keep you guys posted on how my transition goes. and IF i am able to go to university in italy. And if anyone italian, or exchanger, or future exchanger has questions, ask me! and ill make other posts with responses :)

sorry this was really wordy, im bad at writing and i didnt know how to explain myself very well..

Thank you to everyone who has followed my blog throughout this year, it made me really happy to see that people were reading my blog, and were at least a little curious about my life or exchange in general. Just, thank you guys, all of you for everything :)

A Voi Italiani e a tutti gli altri che parlano italiano

Questo post è per voi Italiani. Vi ringrazio di tutto! Essendo una straniera, non sapete quanto mi avete aiutato. Anche con semplici gesti di gentilezza. Quelli che mi hanno dato una mano con qualsiasi cosa, è questo significa molto per me.

Grazie se a scuola mi avete parlato e non mi avete fatto a sentire sola. Se mi avete aiutato con i compiti e mi avete fatto capire che c'era qualcuno simpatico qui per me :) se mi avete chiesto di uscire e mi avete dato una mano ad avere una vita sociale :)

Quelli con cui sempre potevo fare qualsiasi domanda, quelli con cui sempre potevo parlare di qualsiasi cosa, quelli che mi ascoltavono, ho sempre saputo che c'eravate.. vi voglio tantissimo bene! Mi avete aiutato tantissimo quest'anno. Perchè vi avevo, non mi sentivo da sola. rimarremo in contatto, e sempre potrete venire a Seattle, siete tutti i benvenuti :))

Voi ragazzi di Intercultura. Anche a voi, vi voglio tantissimo bene! avete aperto gli occhi e ho imparato tanto da voi. Abbiamo scoperto che le persone sono persone in qualsiasi parte del mondo, ora siamo migliori amici, e siete un'altra famiglia. ci capiamo, ci siamo divertiti ogni volta eravamo insieme. Alloraa dobbiamo viaggiare ovunque nel mondo a trovarci! Ho passato bellissimo anno con voi, non so come spiegare tutto, cioè, abbiamo imparato tantissimo insieme, abbiamo avuto nostaglia, avevamo paura, abbiamo fatto finta di capire nostri amici, abbiamo fatto la finta che non capivamo un cazzo a scuola xD, scherzavamo, conosciamo lo sconociuto, abbiamo le storie assurde da raccontare, e ci siamo fatti tanti amici che sono diventati come fratelli e sorelle.. etc etc. ma cmq devete sapere che vi voglio bene ♥♥

e per la famiglia..

Cara Famiglia,

Mi avete salvato! Veramente! Se non mi aveste presa, sarei tornata gia' 5 mesi fa. Non avrei fatto l'esperienza. Mi avete presentato la cultura italiana, mi avete portato nei posti piu belli del mondo, mi avete insegnato l'italiano cacchio!!! Mi avete fatto sentire parte della famiglia. Voi siete la mia famiglia! Vi ringrazio per quest'anno, ora abbiamo tantissimi ricordi, da scherzi, tutte la parole che ci fanno ridere, erano bei tempi. avete ragione, non è un addio, è un arrivederci. Tornerò di sicuro! Poi verrete a trovarmi a Seattle :) viaggeremo insieme, e ci trovaremo di nuovo FORSE anche in Brasile ;) e quando venite a Seattle, vedrete che NON SEMPRE piove xD e scopriremo se è un lago o un mare hahaha. cmq siete la migliore famiglia che avrei potuto avere :)

Voi tutti, mi avete insegnato tanto, ho imparato tanto quest'anno e mai vi dimenticarò. L'Italia e voi tutti starete sempre nel mio cuore.

What a year has taught me.

1. Yesterday doesnt matter. Move on, there are more important things, there's a tomorrow.

2. Yeah, I know life is scary. But nothing in life is ever going to be easy or fair wherever you go.

3. Per forza, Prova!! Put effort into everything, just try! cuz slacking off isnt gonna do you anything, you aren't gonna get anywhere if you dont try.

4. Dont be judgmental people, or prejudiced against races. (i never was though, just saying) Because we are all people living in the same world. We're all just human beings. We think the same, we have opinions, secrets, fears etc. (Now i have best friends from all over the world)

5. Independence. Look out. Watch out for yourself. Figure out stuff on your own. Youre all on your own out in that big world.

6. Enjoy yourself. I notice italians relax a lot and live for pleasure. they really enjoy themselves in pretty much everything they do. Chill.

7. Take chances and Make Risks. This year I overcame a fear of mine. Swimming in bodies of water(other than pools) I dont know, i think I've always been scared knowing that in lakes or seas theres things living, or that i cant sea the bottom. But being here in Italy, I forced myself to go swimming in every body of water there is. heck, i go in the fountains even though its illegal here xD Anyways I go swimming in every lake, and even the sea. I force myself, telling myself, "Rachael, you have to do this. You're in friggin Italy. Get in that water. When's the next time youre gonna get this opportunity? or how cool is it to swim in this famous lake, this famous sea?(mediteranean)" So i jump. literally, Last week I jumped off a cliff in liguria into the mediteranean sea :) My best friend pushed me to do it. And she pushed me into swimming out way far off the coast, or the part where im comfortable(i feel vulnerable like something can eat me if im too far out) so that we could see the view of the mountain range and the waters and the whole beach. IT was amazing. She seriously made me realize that i have to live my life. and Do everything i can, when i have the opportunites, or basically in general, to not have fear, dont fear life and dont be afraid to go for it. I then realized that it doesnt just matter that im in italy. It doesnt matter where i am, i still have to push myself to overcome my fears, i still have to push myself to do things everday. Live your life. seriously! dont just say it cuz it's a cool saying. But go out and do it! Enjoy yourself, and make memories, do crazy stuff, and overcome your fears.

This year made me force myself to try new things, telling myself everytime, it's just because im in italy. But really, even when i go back home, I'm going to continue trying new things. It doesnt matter where you are. try new things. dont be scared. make memories.

Before I didnt want to go home. But by now I'm ready. I think I've accepted it. Like it's time, and I'm ready to get back to my bed, my family, my car, my city, my life. But I'm definitly coming back here. I'm so in love with Italy, but i realized it isnt my home, it isnt my real life here. it was kind of like a fantasy and that's why i didnt want to leave. But i know i have my family here, and friends, and some of the hardest times here, but also the best. I've had some pretty good times here and created good memories. But it's time to go home, and now I'm ok with that. Maybe I'll come back for university or something :)

P.S. This is for Lauren, She taught me "Carpe diem", and she is the best friend who I envy because she is never scared of anything, and pushes me to go for things and to overcome my fears. I'm so grateful and lucky to have her as a friend and to have met her here in Italy. I have my best memories with you and I'm gonna miss you so much